-“purpose.”

People come, People go. They come and live. They grow up from having no worries, to having no space to think. They go to school, they study. Who knows what they study exactly but they do it. They do it to get into some university, or college. Eventually they get that graduation and achieve everything they have been working for. They get to do what they have been working for, for years, possibly decades. They get married, start a career, have children. They're happy but then it strikes, death. 

All the events leading up to death are just an illusion. It feels like milliseconds from birth to death, when it actually hits you. There's tsunamis, earthquakes, terrorists, suicide bombers, different natural disasters/hazards. All those things cause deaths, in a bad state. Maybe some people die happy because they got to do what they want, they lived to do what they want but others, well they're the opposite. They dread death, the thought of leaving their family and loved ones, kills them but deep down, they wish their loved ones all the best, they pray for them and just hope they'll make it. No one thinks once about death, they don't think about someone committing suicide approximately every 40 seconds, they don't think about the amount of people getting killed a year, an hour, a minute. They just carry on with their day while people are in agony. They don't take notice until it hits them. Until it strikes. 

We live for nothing. We live to reproduce and die, we don't matter, all that matters is that the world goes on. We die, people get hurt, people die, others get hurt. It's how the world works, the world is far too busy to take notice on what is really happening, who is really suffering. Someday it will all end, the world will end just like all of those lives that have ended, what will the world think of that? It will go through the same pain that people go through everyday. Please take time, to take notice of the pain people go through everyday, all the lives wasted instantly. Don't wait till it's too late. Take action, speak up. We do matter, we all have a meaning, we’re all here within reason, but we just need to find it.

- //24.04.18

-haunt me.

I took you for granted, and I pester myself everyday for it. I put you aside, as if you were some toy, the one I’d play with when I was lonely. I hurt you, I messed up. You were still there. You stuck by me for so long, and I took that all for granted. I pushed you away, I treated you like the sun treats the moon. Invisible and worthless. I considered us toxic. Were we toxic, or was it just me? Was I the reason you broke down multiple of times, because you didn’t feel good enough? I was never there for you, and I hate myself for it. I’ve tried to move on, but everything leads me back to you. You think I played you, when I just want you to hate me. I don’t deserve you. You were there, when I broke up with you. You were there when the world was falling apart, at my own two feet. You were there when I pushed you away, countless of times. You were there when I told you I hated you, in hope you’d leave, and move on. I wanted you to move on, although I knew it’d destroy me, and the sight of you with someone new, has already torn me apart. Why? I want you to be happy, you deserve everything, and that I couldn’t give you. I promise myself I won’t mess this up, I won’t go back to you. I won’t ruin your dim chances of being with ‘him’. Promise me something. Promise when I call, you won’t pick up. When I message, you won’t give in to me. When I cry, looking for you in every new person I meet, you’ll ignore it. Let your absence tear the insides of me, let it break me. Show me how toxic I am. Move on, you deserve so much better than me, I was just a broken corpse. Let the sight of you and ‘him’ haunt me, let it drive me insane. Most of all, show me what it’s like to be in love with me. 

-Words you’ll never tend to see, intoxicated love. //16.04.18

-"Love."

"I love you," she whispers as she clutches his chest. She listens to the sound of his breathing, how It's a constant breath of air, wondering if he would be alive without it, because she knows she would be, without her's. As long as she has him, she's indefensible, invincible, indestructible. This all adds up because to her, he's the oxygen supply. He's the reason she wakes up every morning, knowing that, that day would be as good as the day before. He's the reason that shes optimistic and looks forward to the best. She doesn't dwell on the past, or negative thoughts that run through her mind, 100 m/ph. She doesn't let them destroy her. He sets her off in a brand new adventure everyday, leaving her hopeful to find something that has not yet been discovered. Whether that's the opening to a new chapter, a key to a parallel universe, or even just a burger on a menu. She's who she is because of him,. He has grown a part of her and without him, she's lost, broken, torn. His laugh, smile and words of wisdom torture her when he's not around. She smells his scent and sees him everywhere, even if his presence is nowhere to be seen. She has grown obsessively, mystically, endlessly in love with him and for that, she's thankful. Thankful for him, he's her purpose. Without him, 6ft under would be her destiny. He helped her at her lowest, he complimented her at her not so prettiest. He's everything to her. That's what happens when you become hopelessly obsessed with someone. You find their presence in every place they're absent. That's a stage of love. A case of love, It's torture.

- //14.03.18

-"Love?"

"Nothing is more beautiful than two people who are all over eachother. The way they glance at eachother across the room as if they've never seen anyone, nor anything more perfect. The way nothing else matters when they're together. They way they fall deeper in love with one another each time they meet. The way they value eachother. but then again, It's not always that way. Hurricanes, thunderstorms, tsunamis stuck when they're apart. They fall deeper and deeper, as if they're in the ocean. They have no grasp of one another. They're broken and need eachother to just mend their hearts. That's love. When you're completely lost without that one person. When you have no purpose, and they give you life. They become your daily oxygen supply and without them, you don't even know if you can survive. That's love. That's when you know you're in love, when they're all you think about. When they're constantly on your mind and won't drift away. When your stomach gets these butterflies when you talk to them, like they are melting your heart away. When you find everything about them so perfect. Their laugh, their hair, their eyes. Even their flaws. It's all perfect and you can't help but, fall hopelessly and endlessly in love with them. More and more everyday. Every hour, and every second. Deeper. That's love. That's when you know you really love someone."

- //17.02.18

-contemplating.

I'm contemplating myself and my life and honestly, I'm not going to make it through another hour, let alone another year. I'm not depressed, I'm not bipolar, even though everyone uses that against me. I'm none of it. I'm just incredibly sad and tired. I'm unhappy with everything. I wish I didn't turn out this way. I want to be someone else, not this mess, I could change but that won't help. I'm tired of trying for people who don't care about my well-being. It's sick how someone can mean so much to you or you say they do and then they exclude you, from their life, their existence. I don't get it. I'm sorry for not being enough. I'm unhappy with myself, everything and everyone. There is people out there who have made me forget everything going on in my life and literally just filled me with positivity and hope. For that I am thankful and always will be. Those who have been there, through my darkest times, will always be held captive in my safe place, in my heart. Thank you. so much.

- //18.02.18

-words you couldn't keep.

The way I treat I treat people, is never the way I intend to. I hurt people, I make people hate themselves, I make people want to harm themselves, does that make me a monster? The thing is, I've gotten so mad at myself, I treat people the exact same way, I want to treat myself. I've changed, I did have 'friends,' I had loads of people, the ones that were there through thick and thin. Nowadays, I've never met anyone who's not temporary? They're there, but they're not there because they care, they're there because they want to watch me suffer. I am a burden, upon them. I'm easily replaced, and I've repeatedly hurt myself over people, who well, don't care. I'm used to the fact of someone leaving, because I know they're never willing to put in the effort to stay. I could wait all day, for a simple text message from you, but I doubt that'd even come? I feel like a speck of dust, amongst a crowd of people. trampled and damaged. Does that make me invisible?

-you said I''d never be alone. //08.02.18

-I'm here.

If you're struggling to live, I'm here. If you need someone at 4am when you two get in a fight, I'm here. If you're lost in the somewhat darkness of light, I am here.  I will guide you. i am here and here, I will stay. I shall not be temporary and temporary shall not be defined. For I am here and that's where I shall feed my prey. My prey of thoughts. The ones that run through my brain 100m/ph, the ones that torture me constantly.  The ones that give me the lack of sleep I intake. The ones that give me the strength. The ones I defeat. I am almighty, and that I shall be. I shall be here for you, whenever, wherever. I am here. I am here to stay.



- 3:38am. //21.01.18